Perfectionism is something that used to hold me back, and sometimes still does, however, it took me a long time to realize this. As I never saw anything I did as perfect, I couldn’t recognize myself as a perfectionist. While for some, perfectionism may manifest by one striving to be the best or striving to be perfect in the things they do, but me, it manifested in preventing me from even starting. I held myself back because I held myself to an impossible standard I never imagined achieving, for pared with my low self esteem, I blocked myself from so many things.
Along my journey I discovered that I wished to create every day of my life, that it was the kind of life that would not only bring me immense joy to live, but without living such a life, would feel like life a wasted. As I needed art so badly, yes, needed and will always need, I realized I had to commit to imperfection. When I began this project over 4 years ago, I knew I couldn’t tell myself to paint every day, as while depressed, it felt like an impossible task, but I could commit to drawing an imperfect line doodle of a face, that reflected how I felt in the moment, and so I did. I thought I would get better at drawing people, at drawing expressions and realism as the pursuit of drawing faces would naturally lead me to observing more. However, this is not what happened. In the ‘imperfection’ of my lines is where I found character, where I found nuances that told my story and reflected my feelings. Had I neatened up the lines, sterilized them, so much information would have been lost.
After some years of doing this, I realized that I was channeling, and that I can choose from where I channel. I draw and paint energy, from myself, from my environment, from people, from my higher self and spiritual guides. As I commit more and more to imperfection, I find my own perfection; I find what is real to me, what my gift to the world is and the language my soul speaks. Had I not committed to imperfection, perhaps I might not have discovered these gifts, but instead allowed the mind to criticize and the heart to ever feel unworthy. The reasoning I gave my mind in order to jump this hurdle and begin this journey in the very beginning, was to tell myself simply: ‘it is better to create something that is imperfect, than not to create at all’.
Made Perfect: what we’re taught vs what is true
Absolute Perfection: re-framing perfection