Heartache

Heartache, something that affects us all, and yet, in today’s world where we are taught to hid feelings that exist outside the ‘neutral spectrum’, so much isolation and loneliness can be found. I spent so much energy trying to fight my heartache, trying to heal it, trying to be ‘alright’, until I learned that I needed to accept where I was, before I could hope to change anything. I needed to stop rejecting where I was on my journey and accept my heartache, accept my heartbreak, accept my loneliness. So much relief came from this space of acceptance, and from this space, I began accepting how much still needed to heal, and I learned to address it without resistance to my experience.

Writing and then singing this song over and over brought me so much comfort as the melody carried my feelings, resonating with where I was, allowing this energy to flow through me, and experiencing the beautiful side of the pain that I felt. I still love this song, it takes me back to those moments, the moments where I sang out of my window, embraced by the music, the expression, the release and acceptance of such beautiful sorrow.

Over the years I’ve learned to create and share my artwork without demanding perfection from myself, as otherwise it blocks my ability to create. I told myself that it’s better to create something imperfect, than not to create at all. However when it comes to sound, I feel like I can only record and release it once, that it needs to be a perfect recording and my voice needs to be it’s best. But I try to throw such ideas to the wind, and treat my music as I treat my visual art. Here I record my music, using a cheap phone, with the waves crashing behind me, shower damp hair, no makeup (as usual) and just a desire to share the song that’s playing on my heart. I wrote this mid 2019.

Expressions such as this, is what heals me and what makes me want to live. A big lie we are told is that creative expressions must have a degree of perfection/beauty/skill to be shared, but as I chase imperfection, I find my own perfection; in my humanity, beauty in emotion, and skill in the ability to express how I feel.

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