I felt caught in negative energy, dark thoughts came into my mind, self-deprecating, self-harmful. Thought’s I’d had in the past, that I thought had left me, returning to taunt me. But they didn’t make me feel as bad as they would have in the past, because I didn’t find them as convincing as I once did. My mind told me I was back where I started, that I hadn’t made any progress. But then I looked at my life and took just one area where I undoubtedly had changed a lot, and that was enough to contradict these thoughts. But the feelings stayed with me.
I decided to do some video editing as it had made me feel so good earlier. I had just about completed a video that I was really proud of, ‘some of my best work’, I’d told myself earlier that day when still feeling good, and so when saving it, I accidentally deleted the progress I’d done and the original file, meaning all the work was lost. It made sense. I’d created something that boosted my self worth beyond expectation, and while holding that energy of lack of worth, I managed to delete it. However, I was surprised not to feel upset. Despite it having taken me hours to create intuitively, I decided to get to work, slowly, recreating what I had made. Because I also believed I could do it again.
I took a moment to meditate and searched inside myself, I felt unworthy. I felt where that feeling manifested, and it was in my hips, as if wearing a yellow shame filled pad on each hip, under my skin. I remember years ago, a healer telling me we hold our sense of self worth all around the hips and lower belly, in conjunction with our lower chakras that form our base. In my meditation I decided to go into the past to search for some origin of feeling unworthy, and some memories of being bullied and put down at school came to mind from when I was young. I asked myself to remember a time when those same people who bullied me, also benefited from me being around. I recalled a school day trip to an adventure park. I can’t remember exactly the activity, but we took it in turns to climb up a tree, walk along a log, high off the ground, to it’s middle and climb down something. I watched my classmates go up a little apprehensively, and when it came time to walk the log, they were scared, sheepish and worried about falling. I half grew up on a farm, I spent much of my childhood climbing and playing in trees, and so I went up with confidence. When I got to the log, I confidently walked across as if it were nothing, I felt I could walk the whole thing and really show off, but I didn’t, I just completed the task effortlessly. After that, each classmate after me went up with increased confidence, laughing and smiling and showing off and not a single person was scared. I had showed them that it was possible, but also, in my meditation I realized, they felt they could do it because they saw me as inferior, they had mentally positioned me below them, and therefore, if I could do it, they could do it better, I believe that was their belief.
After this memory I told myself, by virtue that they put me down to elevate themselves, when I, even in a disempowered state, would be active in elevating others, is enough for me to believe I am no less worthy. As an empath and natural healer and inspirer, it is in my energy to elevate others, however, I was in a disempowered state, so it was natural for these kids to use my energy to elevate themselves, it’s almost like the flip side of the coin. Knowing my truth and self worth, I can see that I was never unworthy, I was simply disempowered, and thus I was mentally able to reframe my experiences for disempowering, to now empowering. Instead of these past experiences contradicting any thoughts of relevance and worthiness I might have, now these memories can actually back them up. I believe it is within our perceived biggest weaknesses, those that others taunt us for, our biggest differences, the reasons we ‘didn’t fit in’ and are most shamed for, are actually where our biggest strengths can be found.